


we're half of the way to being broken-hearted (we're half of the way unless you let me in)

by elsinorerose



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Pie, little bit of philosophy thrown in there for fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 08:55:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18232694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elsinorerose/pseuds/elsinorerose
Summary: "I think," says Jester slowly, "that if you have done terrible things in your life, you can't be happy,trulyhappy, until you have repented your wrongs and done everything you can to make amends. I think real happiness means justice and forgiveness and freedom. And yes, I think everyone deserves that."Nott eavesdrops on a conversation. Spoilers for 2x55 and 2x56.





	we're half of the way to being broken-hearted (we're half of the way unless you let me in)

**Author's Note:**

> Man, I was supposed to go to bed like three hours ago. Instead this happened. 
> 
> Set the next night after the final scene of 2x56. Title from "Half of the Way" by Vulfpeck.

Nott is almost back to her and Caleb's room when she hears the voices.

She stops, afraid for a split second that someone's spotted her sneaking around in the middle of the night — but no, the voices are coming from inside the room, and she recognizes them: it's Jester speaking, and now Caleb quietly responding. Her heart warms. Good, she thinks, good. Caleb has hardly said anything since yesterday evening, after that nail-bitingly tense scene in the throne chamber before the Bright Queen; and even before that, ever since the fight with the fiends under that well, he'd been unusually closed off. It's good that someone is drawing him out into conversation. Better still that it is Jester, who always seems to know how to catch him off his guard.

Nott considers slipping back into the room with them, but she doesn't want to interrupt and risk shutting Caleb down again. Besides, it's not like there's a curfew here in the Krynn palace, exactly — she should be safe now that she's stealthed her way back from the kitchens. She slides down to sit with her back to the wall, just close enough to the door — which is an inch or so ajar — that she can overhear what they're saying inside. Nothing wrong with a little harmless eavesdropping. 

Well, maybe a few things wrong. But this is her boy. She needs to know if he's all right.

Stomach growling, she pulls out the stolen pie from underneath her cloak and tucks in.

"...just wanted to see how you were feeling," comes Jester's voice. "You've been pretty quiet all day."

_ Bless her, _ thinks Nott, her mouth full of pastry.

There is a pause before Caleb replies, and Nott knows that he is measuring out his words carefully before he says them. "It has been...a rough forty-eight hours or so."

"Yeah."

"A lot of things went wrong."

"A lot of things went right, too, though." Nott can hear a smile in Jester's voice. "We're all okay."

"Ja, well, no thanks to me."

Even with her keen goblin hearing, Nott almost misses this, Caleb says it so softly. Her heart gives a little wrench of sadness, and suddenly she isn't hungry anymore. She sets down the pie gingerly on the cold stone floor of the hallway and turns around, as silently as she can, crouching on her knees to peer through the crack of the door.

"Yes thanks to you," Jester is saying. "You saved us all last night. We were about to get dragged off into cells and probably killed."

She is sitting on Caleb's bed next to him, both of their backs to the door, so Nott can't see their faces; but she can see that Caleb's head is hung, like he is staring at his feet. One of those small glowing crystals that are all over this palace rests on a table near the bed, casting a soft blue light around the room.

"I don't think there was any other way we could have turned the situation around," continues Jester. "You thought fast. You took a risk. You were very brave, Caleb."

One of Caleb's hollow laughs leaves his mouth. "I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but…"

"Have I ever lied to you?"

There's a beat. Caleb lifts his head a fraction, looks sideways at Jester's face. "No, you have not ever lied to me," he says quietly.

Jester gives him a small smile; Nott can just see the corner of it when she returns his gaze. "Not lying now."

Caleb sighs and ducks his head again for a moment. Nott wants to run in and throw her arms around him. "Thank you for thinking I am brave, Jester."

Nott wants to run in and throw her arms around him and  _ cry. _

"You are very welcome," says Jester with a nudge of her shoulder against his.

"And thank you for healing me the night before last. I don't think I had a chance to say."

"You don't have to thank me for that, Caleb, I was happy to do it."

"All the same." Caleb's voice is controlled, the way Nott has heard it when he is trying to sound like he doesn't care. "If I saved us last night, then you saved us under that well. We were going to die. All of us."

"Caduceus helped too — " begins Jester, but Caleb cuts her off.

"Ja, he did, but you saved his life. And mine. More than once, I think."

Silence. Nott creeps a little closer to the door.

"I was really scared," murmurs Jester finally.

Caleb lets her words sit there for a moment. Then he leans a few inches closer to her and whispers, "I was really scared last night."

"That's why what you did was so brave."

"Brave, or stupid. Time will tell."

Jester holds up an arm at the room. "We're staying in  _ royal apartments  _ in a  _ palace,  _ Caleb! Time has told!"

Caleb shakes his head. "Always a silver lining with you," he says in a tone of wonderment. "How do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Find them. Your silver linings."

Nott would like to know the answer to this question too. She holds her breath while she waits for Jester to think of a response.

"...I guess I just look for them," she says finally.

"That's a cop-out, Lavorre, everyone is looking for them."

"You don't."

_ You can't just  _ say that  _ to Caleb,  _ thinks Nott, suddenly concerned, and maybe she  _ should  _ rush in and interrupt, but Jester goes on:

"You're never looking for them. I think you do it to punish yourself. And I don't really understand that, because if anyone deserves to look on the bright side of things, it's you, Caleb, after everything you've been through. But I can't make you do that. So I'll find the silver linings for you till you're ready to start looking yourself."

Nott is speechless. Caleb is too, apparently.

"Why are you so sure that I deserve anything?" he manages at last.

"Because you're a  _ person,  _ Caleb. People deserve to be happy."

"You really believe that?"

"Of course I do!" she says brightly.

"Of course. Well, what about bad people?"

"I said what I said."

Caleb shifts his weight so that he's turned towards her, and Nott can see him staring into Jester's eyes, intense and searching. "Bad people deserve to be happy. This is what you believe?"

"...I think if they were happy, they wouldn't be bad."

"You might be surprised."

Jester holds her ground, meets his eyes without flinching. "I don't think I would be, Caleb."

"Did…" He's trying to come up with a name. "Did Lorenzo deserve happiness? The one who kidnapped you, and tortured you, this one deserved to get everything he wanted?"

"I didn't say everything he wanted. That's not the same thing."

Caleb is silent.

"I think," says Jester slowly, "that if you have done terrible things in your life, you can't be happy,  _ truly  _ happy, until you have repented your wrongs and done everything you can to make amends. I think real happiness means justice and forgiveness and freedom. And yes, I think everyone deserves that."

"How can you believe that?" The control is beginning to leave Caleb's voice. "Even you, how can you believe that? The man  _ hurt  _ you, he  _ stole  _ you, he killed your friend — "

"And he deserved to be punished, and maybe even killed — "

_ "Maybe?" _

" — but I hope wherever he is now, he has found peace. Because he was not happy, Caleb. You don't do the things he did if you have had a life of...of peace, or of love."

Caleb stands up. He clasps his hands together behind his neck and starts to pace. Nott shrinks back just slightly from the door, hoping that the shadows of the hallway and her dark cloak will be enough to keep her unnoticed.

"Besides — "

"So what about Trent Ikithon? He deserves these things too?"

Jester falls silent.

"I suppose if only he'd had a good home life growing up, he wouldn't have done this to me." Caleb holds up one forearm, riddled with faint scars. His voice is bitter. "Poor Trent. What a sad little boy he must have been."

"Caleb…"

"Maybe I should just forget about him." Caleb stops. "Oh, maybe I should go find him! Tell him about all this peace and love he has missed out on."

"I didn't — "

"I certainly should not try to stop him from doing this to anyone else ever again, because that would be robbing him of his  _ freedom,  _ wouldn't it, Jester."

_ Stop him,  _ thinks Nott, desperate,  _ just stop him, just say you were wrong, can't you see how much this is hurting him — _

But she doesn't say she was wrong. Instead she stands up and hugs him.

Caleb freezes. Whatever he was going to say next dies on his lips.

"You deserve happiness too, Caleb," says Jester softly into his ear.

Nott sees Caleb swallow, once, twice, his arms held awkwardly before him, neither hugging Jester back nor pushing her away. 

"I know you think you're as bad as Trent. You're not. You're a good person. You love us. And we love you."

She hugs him tighter. He still says nothing.

Nott takes a few silent steps backward, picks up the half-eaten pie from the floor, and continues moving down the hall until she's a few yards away. Then she coughs loudly and, with footsteps as heavy as she can make them without actually stomping, walks up to the door and into the room.

"I found pie!" she announces.

Jester and Caleb pull apart, and Caleb actually takes three long strides around the bed until he's put it between them and reached Nott. The relief and gratitude is plain on his face. "Good, I'm starving," he tells her.

"Brought enough for two!" smiles Nott.

Caleb takes the pie wordlessly and sits back down on this side of the bed, his back to Jester. She looks crestfallen.

"Did…" Now a little spike of guilt pricks Nott's heart. "Did you want some, too, Jester? I can sneak back into the kitchens…"

"No, no, that's okay, Nott!" Jester conjures a very convincing smile. "I'm getting kind of sleepy. I'm gonna go back to my room."

"Oh, well, just...you know…"

"I will hit you up if I change my mind," she grins, heading for the doorway.

_ Thank you,  _ Nott wants to say,  _ thank you for what you did for him just now — I know he won't show it, but he's so —  _

Caleb gets up before Jester makes it out into the hall. The pie is forgotten on the bedside table as he hurries to grab her wrist. "Wait."

"Oh, it's fine, Caleb — "

He kisses the back of her hand.

Nott doesn't know  _ where  _ to look.

"Thank you," Caleb murmurs.

_ There you go,  _ thinks Nott, her chest swelling with pride as Caleb lets go of Jester's hand and watches her leave, leaning against the doorframe until they both hear her bedroom door shut a few rooms down. Then he turns and goes back to the bed, redfaced, avoiding Nott's gaze. 

"Jester couldn't sleep?" Nott asks, unable to help herself.

Caleb gets under the blankets, facing the wall. "I think she knew I couldn't."

"Oh," says Nott politely. "That was nice of her, then. What did you two talk about?"

A long minute passes before Caleb reaches up and covers the glowing crystal light by the bed with its shade. "Kindness."

In the dark, Nott beams.

_ That's my boy. _

_fin_

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [we're half of the way to being broken-hearted (we're half of the way unless you let me in) [Podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18796699) by [Baelkaz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baelkaz/pseuds/Baelkaz), [blackglass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackglass/pseuds/blackglass)




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